Death is inevitable, at least for now.
Almost everyone reading this has lost someone close to them that has effected their life to some degree. Most people keep their feelings bundled up, putting out a strong front. But inside they are hurting, they go through roller coasters, they start to feel as if they may even be a little crazy? They most definitely are not crazy. We all go through it, and we all find our own ways to cope eventually. I’m going to share with you my story, maybe it relates to you, maybe not. It may bore you, or it may give you something to reflect about, or even create a bond with me? (new bonds are the best!)
I lost my grandfather a little over a year back, and life has not been the same.
He came to America to live the American dream, and I can say with great pride, he did it. He left his home country, attended UCLA, and got an amazing job as an engineer. He then brought the rest of my family to America, worked his way up in his company, followed by an early retirement in his 50s. He then started his own real-estate company and thrived, using his free time for philanthropic activities, and supporting the Sikh community. He left behind an astonishing legacy.
He lived in Texas, I live in Ohio. I didn’t see him everyday, nor did I converse with him everyday. But he was always a huge part of my life. He always encouraged me to do my best; my life goal was to bring tears of joy to his eyes. He is the reason I chose to pursue medicine. He was known to lecture anyone and everyone who crossed his path- except me. I was his “mini- me”. He enjoyed arguing with me, urging me to use a higher level of analytical skills and to expand my verbal skills. Throughout the years he taught me an innumerable amount of lessons, pieces of wisdom that helped mold me into who I am today.
I found out he had terminal cancer about 3 weeks before he passed. By the time I had found out, he had suffered a brain hemorrhage. He was improving from that and his body was sustaining well, therefore I didn’t plan to fly out to Texas until after my finals. I spoke to him briefly on the phone during his recovery, unfortunately he was only pretending to know who I was over the phone, because he knew he was suffering from loss of brain function, but he was always the strongest person in the family so he couldn’t let his guard down; his voice tone gave everything away. At the time, I had no idea that would be the last time I’d hear his voice. I rushed through finals, and raced home from school to catch a flight to Dallas. I retuned home to find out that I wasn’t flying out to visit my grandfather, but to attend his funeral. I was too late. At that very moment the only things flashing in my mind were the last few moments we shared together. The last hug I gave him before he left after my High School graduation, the last phone call we had when he was still in a conscious state, and his last words to me during that phone call, “Never stop making me proud, Jyoti.” Then regrets came flashing through my mind. Why didn’t I call him more often, was I really that busy with school? Why didn’t I just take my finals earlier? Why didn’t I push him to go to the doctor earlier? How did I not notice that he was ill when I last saw him? Why, why, why? All of that was followed by a funeral and a closure that never really occurred for me.
After that long heart to heart- well just my heart- let me tell you how this loss has effected my life, maybe relating to you? I think of him at least once a day. Every failure and every success, I think of him. If I hear of another death, I think of him. On some days, I forget he’s not here. When I think about my future, graduation, white coat, weddings, I think about his absence. And most of all, when my stress level with school is off the roof and I just want to throw it all in and give up, I think of him. He drives my motivation, he drives my happy days, and he drives my days of sorrow. He’s no longer here, but he still is a huge part of my life, and always will be. He’s one of the main reasons I’m here.
Not only do I think of him, but I start to worry about the rest of my family that’s aging. I recently met up with my grandma, and when I was hugging her good bye, I didn’t want to let go- ever. I left her with a heavy heart, thoughts of when I’ll see her next racing through my head.
Today, go home and call that loved one you haven’t spoken to in while. Give a hug to your mom, dad, aunt, cousin, grandparent, or best friend. Never make life too busy where you end up with one of the regrets I did, and still have. Don’t forget to say Thank You, or I love you. (I’m the worst at showing affection so I understand, it can be hard) And most of all, don’t be scared to let out your feelings like I just did. Reach out to those close to you, they will always be there to listen. Everyone has those days where they remember the past, happy moments and sad. Letting your heart out is the best therapy!
-J
Chak De Phattey! 